Quit yer whinin'

I have this new favorite blog.
I subscribed, which means each morning I receive an email with the latest post. And it hasn't disappointed me even once.
The new blog I love: Bad Mommy Moments.
 
I love it because of its name.
I love it because she's real and tells it like it is.
I love it because being a mom is hard.
I love it because being a mom is hilarious when put into words.
I love it because of posts like today's. 

One of the comments on this post really caught my eye.

This SAHM thing is hard. It takes guts, a strong stomach, and a tough emotional interior and exterior, and for that, I feel I need no justification, neither should anyone else.
-Colleen @ Destination: Happy

Ok, ok, so you're right. I'll quit my whining. ;)
I have it good.

Struggle

The first time I remember feeling depressed was my 4th grade year.

Depression and I have endured a 16-year struggle.
I'm still not any closer to understanding the sensation.

I woke up today with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I have no reason to, I have nothing but good things going on, I have good friends and family... I have gorgeous, intelligent children, I still have the face of a teenager, and Husband is working hard.

That's just the thing about depression...

"What triggered it?" is a useless question.
"Did I say something wrong?"  No, Husband. You've been perfect.
"Then what's wrong?" I have no idea.

The desire to jump off a building and end it all consumes me some days, and I couldn't tell you why. I know I would never do it, and I know I am committed to beating this thing that plagues me...

Still, it's there, just under the surface. Time to pull out all the stops.

Cheesy music that reminds me of my teenage-hood (the good parts, with Jenn and glitter and dancing).
Hilarious movies that make me laugh (no matter how much I don't want to).
And worst of all...
Productivity.

I will not let you get me down today, D. 
You won't win.

Ambien Freewrite: A Follow-Up

Ambien has been an interesting friend. It helps me sleep, it still allows me to wake up when Max needs me in the night, and it entertains the people around me. If I could find another sleeping pill that would allow me to wake up with the baby AND get decent sleep the rest of the time, I would quit the Ambien, because sometimes things like this happen.

Two nights ago Husband went out with friends and left me home with the kids. I couldn't fall asleep without him in the bed, so I took an Ambien and went to bed.

Ok, so apparently I didn't make it to bed. It turns out I wrote a blog post... and sent some texts. (When Husband is home, he regulates my communication after I take my sleeping pills, so this doesn't happen.)

Husband read the Ambien Freewrite, and he says it sounds like I'm leaving him because of all the "Aubrey Miller" talk... allow me to clarify, in case you were confused about that as well. ('Cause I am definitely not leaving Husband; he's really good looking and makes the money around these parts.)  ;)

I think what I was trying to say (I don't remember writing it, but the statements were still true) was more about the personality and courage I have had during different times in my life. People who knew Aubrey Anne understood immediately what I meant... I was a different person when I was known by that name. People who knew Aubrey Miller also seem to understand the point... and Colleen definitely relates, although she never knew either of those versions of me. :)  Aubrey Ortega, the current version of me (completely independent of Husband, despite the name change) is a totally different creature. Somewhere along the way, I lost me. Somewhere along the way, I lost my courage. The guts I had to be myself despite ANYTHING that disagreed with who I was, the ability to look any opposition in the face and say, "That's fine if you think that. I know who I am, and I don't need your approval." THAT'S what Aubrey Anne Miller was.

It isn't about being married or not.

Know what else I've discovered? It isn't even about being a parent or not.

I'm still in there! And I'm still awesome! ;)

The point is, I am going combine Pre-Mom Aubrey with Post-Mom Aubrey, and the result is going to be what I always wanted to be. What I once was, plus some extra awesomeness, courtesy of the last ten years of experience.

Ambien Freewrite: A Declaration

Dear Aubrey,

A new era is beginning.

A new day is dawning.

Aubrey Anne Miller Ortega or whatever my name was, I renounce you. 

Be gone.

I’m talking about the Aubrey who was given a middle name by society and never lost that middle name. Being Aubrey Anne was my identity for years… but did they know it wasn’t my name? 

I am talking about the Aubrey who walks around scared at every moment, jumping at everything that comes around the corner. I am talking about the Aubrey who has lost herself completely.

Let’s mourn together for this Aubrey Anne Miller Ortega.

She is something that does not exist. 

She fears paranoid fears.

The Aubrey who feels uncomfortable in her own skin, in her own reflection, in her own name…

The Aubrey who doesn’t know why she’s lost so many friends.

Aubrey is a phenomenal friend. What went wrong so many times, is the question Aubrey needs answered.

THIS Aubrey, the Aubrey Miller deep inside me, the one who carried herself with NO fear-

With NO concerns with the future or the present or the past. 

The Aubrey Miller of Viewmont High School. 

The one they call Aubrey Anne Miller. 

It’s not just a name… it was a reputation.

That reputation is gone. High school  is over. 

Only a select few remember Aubrey Miller in her genuine form, and a few more who remember Aubrey Anne, the person.

So that reputation didn’t matter at all, I wonder?

Except I know that if I were to get back to Aubrey Miller, I could become what I want to be.

New Aubrey starts tomorrow. 

I live for me. 

I live to be free, to be a strong, confident person who takes care of herself and can hold her head up high. 

I live to acquire my own income to use at my own discretion, and I live to 

LOOK LIKE ME.

My hair.

My nails.

My piercings.

My clothes.

My décor.

My attitude.

My ability to speak up and speak out against!

My drive to be a real person AND a damn good wife and mother.

My ferocious need to prove my competency.

My truth and brutality!

My empathy and pain.

So what if it crushes me again?

Could the result of this be any worse than the hole I've been hiding in?

Wake up, little emo kid. 

You’re in there… it’s time to come out,

Come out, wherever you are.

The ones who really love you will be waiting to catch you if you fall.

The ones who really love you can read your true words and rejoice in who you are.

The ones who really love you can put up with your potty mouth to get to the creamy center.

The ones who really love you know you are sloppy and messy. 

They know you are so A.D.D. you’re practically handicap.

The ones who really know you understand that you will conquer that and do great things with your mind and body.

The ones who really love you want to hear it how it really is, and they want to see the light back in your face from telling it.

The ones who KNOW YOU, Aubrey “Anne” Miller, will cheer for this declaration of independence. 

They will say,  

“It’s about time we get our girl back!” 

And the rest of them will be stunned to find out they never knew you at all.

Can you handle it? 

Don’t even let it cross your mind. 

You are AUBREY ANNE MILLER, for hell's sake. 

Nobody questions you, not even you.  

How did it take you so long to find you again, when you were in there all along?

Let your real light shine.

As the great rapper T.I. said,  

“Never mind what haters say; ignore ‘em ‘till they fade away.” 

Amen, T.I.  

Amen.

March Story: "Beautiful Darkness" is up!

If you haven't checked out our Writing Blog yet, you should definitely click on over to www.onceuponadistraction.blogspot.com.

Jenn, Andrea and I have all put up our stories for the month of March! Then check back next week for April's new theme. :)

Also, once we reach 50 followers, we're going to do another giveaway! So don't forget to click "follow" at the bottom of the page. We're just amateur writers looking for feedback and exposure, so pass it on or leave a comment!

So check this out

We found an apartment.
Then we decided we wanted it.
Then we acquired it.
Now we are packing all our stuff into boxes.
Next week we are moving everything to the new place.

I really haven't been this excited in a long time!
Want to know the best part?
I'm not even scared.
Everything I know about our situation says I should be...
but I'm not. I just feel good about it.

Let me tell you a little story... I've told it before, but I can't seem to find the link, so here you are, the nutshell version:

September 1995, my 5th grade year.
I had tons of friends, tons of fun, and had completely established my identity and reputation. I was kind of a big deal.
The only problem? All those things now lived on the other end of the Salt Lake valley. My parents moved me to a little-known town, and I was sure my world had ended. I vowed to never forgive them, and I made every effort to punish them for their decision.

Now I'm moving my little family right back to that same town (which is much bigger and more impressive now), and I will be sending my children to that same school where I thought my world had ended.  Do you know why?

Because it became home.
Because it's a clean, safe place to live.
Because when I think of home, that's where my mind travels.
Because I want them to grow up to be at least half as awesome as I turned out.
Because it feels right.

I have 8 days to pack everything and move.
And

I
AM
SO
EXCITED!

Things that happened today.

Asher told me I was "the most beautiful."
He also said, "Daddy is the most apparently outstanding."
He also said, "Joshy is just the most weird."

Had a girls' night out with my mom and sisters (and sister-in-law)!
It was awesome.
Had fancy food... on really tiny plates... with veggies I've never heard of.

Learned what Ratatouille was.
AND ate it.
(No, not the rat movie.)

Introduced my 1-year-old son to the car carts at the grocery store.
Watched my 1-year-old son fall completely in love with something.
Found out my 1-year-old son knows how to make me look like an abusive parent in the parking lot if I take his new love away from him. (It sounds a little like this: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!")

For the first time ever, spoke to someone at Workforce Services who KNEW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT, actually cared about my situation, AND thought it through to find the most logical solution.

Thanked the Lord.

Finished another journal. At this point I'm going through one every two months... think I might write too much.

Got too tired to finish this post. ;)

Job Interview

So here's how it went.

I found an ad in the newspaper about a week ago.
Mass hiring event, it said. New grocery store needs employees.
Hmm. I could totally do that. And cashiers don't make bad money...

Saturday I got all dressed up in my favorite new dress, put on all my pretty makeup, straightened my hair, and walked out the door feeling fabulous in my brown heels. (I love that it's moving into heels weather, not boot weather, btw.)

I had no idea what to expect from a "mass hiring event" when I walked in the door. All morning I had pictured myself sitting in a quiet room, talking face-to-face with Somebody Important. That's not exactly what happened.

First, I was given an application and told to sit in one of those metal folding chairs over there. As I sat, I panicked a little about the "math quiz" they said was attached. (Ten-year-old Aubrey still rules the Math-is-Scary part of my brain.)  As I began to fill out my application (which is pretty bare, since I've been a SaHM for a long time now), I looked up and saw an old familiar face.

Well, a familiar face from a long time ago... not an old face that happened to be familiar.

Anyway, I did that thing where my face shows I recognize her, without saying anything, and her face did the same thing. (You know the one.) 

"Hey!" she said.
"Hey!" I said.

"I haven't seen you forever,"

"I haven't seen you forever," we said in unison.

We did the usual: Didn't you have another baby? Well, that was like a year and a half ago... oh, yeah, I guess it has been a while. Where are you living? What's new with you, etc., etc.

Then she showed me her "you've been hired" paper and told me her sister and husband were also hired on the spot. That's great news, I think to myself. Surely that means they're hiring a lot of people, and I've got a good chance.

She went away and I waited another 20 minutes or so for my name to be called. (btw, it's confirmed: math is still scary.) They called my name along with several others, and we were asked to follow Somebody Important behind the Big Black Curtain.

I sat on one of the chairs arranged in a half-circle, all facing Somebody Important's chair. "This is a group interview," she announced. Well that's got to be easier than a one-on-one, I thought.

I was absolutely positive I had nailed it. I was sure of it! I was charming, kinda funny, and definitely professional. And seriously, I was dressed better than anyone else there. (I still can't understand why people show up for job interviews in distressed jeans.)

SI announced that the interview was over, and she'd be calling some names to stay and have a second interview. "The rest of you are excused," she said. "But be sure to call back in a few months."

I sat in that chair for an awkward amount of time, trying to figure out if I'd heard right. I went over the names she had called again. Nope, mine wasn't in there, and neither was the girl next to me. I had been completely positive she would be hired. As I left, I think I mumbled an "It was nice to meet you" to SI, but I'm not sure. Let's just say it had kicked me in a pretty vulnerable spot.

For some reason, when you're already down far enough, it doesn't take much to put a dent in your morale. The rest of that day was pretty hard for me. It's not a big deal, everyone gets rejected sometimes, and I know that. It's just that we're under a lot of pressure to start making more money, and I'm getting frustrated that The Professional World has no appreciation for my experience. Sure, I don't have much of what they'd call "work experience"... but for the last eight years I have, as my friend Miken put it, "maintained the emotional and physical health and growth of three children" as a "Domestic Engineer".

Yep. Show some respect. 

Just kidding. Anyway!  Yesterday I received a call from Sarah at Grocery Store, asking me to consider interviewing for a position at one of the other locations.

Why, yes, I'd love to, Sarah. :)

Hmm...

Wild Middle Child: What's that for?
Me: It's makeup. It makes me pretty.

I guess I shouldn't have answered that question like this for all those years.

Why? Well, this morning at breakfast, he said this to me:

 "Mommy? I wish you were beautiful. And, Mommy? Put some makeup on."

Now, don't get mad at him. After all, he is only 5, and like I said... I have always told him that makeup's purpose is to make me beautiful.

And to his credit, two days ago, he sat in the back seat of my car singing, "My mommy is so beautifulllll, so beautifulllll, so beautifulllllllll. My mommy is so beautiful... because she wears lots of beautiful makeup! And she drives beautiful butterfly cars!" (No, I don't have a butterfly on my car.)

The fact is that he thinks I'm beautiful (with sufficient cosmetic help).

He's not wrong, so I didn't bother correcting him. At least there's hope for me, and it's available in every grocery and drug store across the country.

Cosmetics = Love. 

Who knows, could be...

Once in a while, something comes along and nudges you in the right direction.

Once in a great while, someone comes along and nudges you so hard, you get the wind knocked out of you. While you're gasping for air, you think, "They should have warned me they were going to come over and turn everything upside-down today."  But with warning, you would have closed the blinds and pretended you weren't home.

When someone speaks truth I don't want to hear, I close my ears and sing "la la la la la" as loud as I can. There's no getting a point across to me until I'm good and ready to hear it.

Something's coming, and I don't know what it is, but that's what I get for being grateful. Opening yourself up to positive things is risky business, I tell you.
Risky business.

And way worth it.

I failed you, Son.

Apparently I don't have any green clothes. So, Happy St. Patrick's day... Love, my eyes.

My 8-year-old!

I ran around all morning searching for green clothing. I succeeded... for everyone except me and my 2nd-grader. He was very upset that I sent him to school in a blue shirt, but I assured him it was fine, because I had managed to track down 2 green things for him to add to his outfit: a tiny little yoshi keychain to hook on his belt loop, and a green CTR ring. "I've gotta save my son from the pinching!" I said to Husband when he needed help with something. Can't help you, honey... I'm too busy preventing the St. Patrick's Day bullying.

My son came home at 3:30 and announced that everyone said his green didn't count, so he got pinched all day.

I will better prepare next year, Son. I failed you.

Easing off the crutches

I usually take Ambien to get to sleep at night, but I've been trying to only take it when I really need it because a) I don't like depending on things, and b) I read a journal entry I wrote while on Ambien... (it was very insightful.)

The point is, I haven't been sleeping well. I toss and turn, lie awake for minutes... hours? I wake up completely and totally exhausted.

(This might be a good time to notice the time stamp on this post.)

My mind is running like mad, and I can't slow it down, so I decided to just get up and let it go for a while. Maybe it will start to miss my bed and get sleepy again?

Tonight, it's my own fault. I went to Jenn's and watched Burlesque right before bed. Talk about a get-your-heart-pumping movie. I guess you could say I've been awake obsessing about getting my body back. (Which is also why this is one of my new favorite blogs.)

Oh, and it's St. Patrick's Day... which, for some reason, is the day when everyone goes around looking for a reason to inflict pain in others. I do hope I can find something green for each person in my family to wear... I am so not sending my kids to school to be pinched.

This just might be the most pointless post I've ever written.
Maybe I'll try to go back to sleep now. ;)

Wish me luck.

Grace in the wake of a nightmare (Why I Love Japan)

My brother (who lives in Japan, close to Sendai where the earthquake/tsunami hit) sent this e-mail out today, subject: Why I love Japan.

"For those of you who wonder why I continue to live here in Japan and
question whether returning would be the smartest thing to do, even
with the nuclear reactor issues.

This is a classic example of why I love Japan and why being here in a
disaster is so much better than being anywhere else during a similar
situation.

http://caffertyfile.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/15/why-is-there-no-looting-in-japan/

Chris"

He is so right. Please click the link and read the article (and the comments below).

A few things to be grateful for

My family in Japan is still safe!

My baby went from this...

...to this!

My dad

Being together

Good friends

Toothless smiles

Signing Time

The kid who loves me "more than everything in the whole wide world"

The kid who sings "I love my mommy, I love my mommy," everywhere he goes

Mardi Gras eyeshadow

Happy children

Best friends

Gratitude & Visualization

As I get older, I get more hippie every day. As my mother pointed out this morning, hippies were against everything ever established, they breastfed their babies and wore no bras... "At least you'd save money," she said.

Just so we're clear, that is not the hippie I'm referring to.

My definition of hippie lies in things like:

• Meditation
• Holistic medicine (you know, baths full of oatmeal, rubbing lemons all over you, etc.)
• Hypnosis (hypno-birthing, especially)
• "Natural" childbirth (which is just a crazy person doing what I did three times, but feeling more noble about it)
• Home hot tub birthing (because of course you'll want to be able to say, "Suzy, Henry and Tom were all born in this very hot tub!" next time you're having a pool party at your house)
• "Coexist,"  "Free Tibet,"  "World peace comes when everyone is fed," "No farmers, no food."
• Probiotics (& other craziness you can find at the Whole Foods Store)
• Organic food 'n' stuff

You know what I'm sayin', right? 

Anyway... I'm starting to embrace some of these previously-scoffed-at things. It's probably just a ditch effort because I feel like I've tried everything else, but whatever it is, I'm on my way to a "healthier" way of life.

Today, I start with gratitude. There are things to be grateful for, and the universe doesn't give you more until you show true appreciation for what you already have. As we all know, I'm a complainer, and I'm short on the thankful end of things.

After all, we all know it could all be swept away any moment, and we could be left with nothing...

What are you grateful for? 

Getting To Know You

I'm stealing this from Jen over @ Running and Other Things! 

I would love to hear from the people who are reading! I get about 45 visitors a day, and I only know a handful of them, so...

Thought it would be fun to give you a chance to share a little about yourself with me and your fellow readers! Please answer the following questions in the comments below (it's easy, you don't have to be a subscriber or have a blogger account, just comment away!). Or you can skip the questions (or just a few of them) and just share with us what you think we should know.  :)

I guess it's only fair that i answer them as well, so here we go...

1. Name? Aubrey Anne 
2. Birth month or astrological sign? I am a Virgo. Although I couldn't possibly tell you what that means.
3. What kind of music do you have in your car right now? I'm on a Broadway musical kick right now... but my music taste is extremely diverse. (See the "music" tab.) I like a little bit of everything. (And, of course, all of Husband's rap music is in there too.)
4. What did you have for dinner last night? Umm... is it bad that I don't remember?
5. What are you reading right now? I can hardly keep up with my own life, I don't have time to read about other people! Although, I just saw A Tale of Two Cities at Hale Centre Theatre, and it was amazing, so I'm hoping to read the book soon!
6. Favorite childhood memory?  Singing 80's songs with my sister Jenny
7. Favorite sport/activity/hobby? Me and sports don't get along... however, I'm a sucker for entertainment... movies, music, theater, writing, etc.
8. What's your dream vacation?  I choose to skip this question. If I think about it, I'll have to have a pity party for myself because I'll be 50 before I can afford to go on vacation.
9. What's your biggest pet peeve?  There are so many! (See the "Loves & Hates" tab.) Biggest ones are: judgmental people, bad advertising, misspelling, bad grammar, and punctuation mishaps. Combine advertising with bad grammar and punctuation, and my brain explodes. 

 So there you have it! Do I sound like a snob yet? I tend to come off that way, although I don't mean to! Your turn!

When disaster strikes... and you are helplessly across the world :(

Please pray for my family!

If you haven't been following it, you should. BBC News Coverage: Japan Earthquake and Tsunami

My amazing brother and his beautiful family have been living in Yamagata, Japan (the red dot on the map above), for 3 years now. I miss them constantly, and every single day I wish they weren't living there (so they could come back and live here, of course!) but never quite as much as I do today. :(

It has been a terrifying morning, and I continue to obsess over my email, phone, and the news to keep me informed as the tsunami takes over Northern Japan. My brother was lucky (and unlucky) because he was on a business trip when it hit. He was on a plane at the time, pretty much the safest place to be... but the Sendai airport is under water, so his plane turned around and went back to Osaka. Now he's stuck in Osaka (safe, but worried), while his wife and kids are home in the midst of it.

He says he was able to contact Kiyomi somehow (my sister-in-law), and she told him they are all alive, but they are spending the night out in the street because the aftershocks are so strong, it isn't safe to be in the house. How terrifying! The little girls must be scared and tired and hungry... and Kiyomi must be so exhausted!

Please pray that they continue to be safe, and that they might have a home to return to when this is all over. And as for the rest of Japan... well, God help them. You can donate to the disaster relief effort here... besides prayer, I guess it's all any of us can do.

Chris & my mom with Max & Josh - Chris helped make Joshua's Pinewood Derby!

My beautiful nieces, Julia, Jasmine & Jaelyn

My nephew Jordan, who is apparently 15 now and doing the dishes. It's been way too long!



Update: Chris and his family are together now, and their home is fine so far. Just a few broken dishes and minor things. My prayers are still with everyone else there in Japan,and the other places this is affecting!!

A few of my favorite things

So, spring is coming. You can feel it. Even though there's still snow on the ground and tons in the mountains, you can feel the air turning friendlier.

This is my backyard right now.

Suddenly, the urge to shop overcomes you. The good weather is coming... you must update your wardrobe! Hurry, start working out! The winter weight must come off so you can fit into tiny shorts and tank tops!

Ok, so maybe you're like me: you're an adult, so you have bigger plans for your limited income than a shopping spree and makeover each time the season changes.  (Although you'd love to spend your money that way... I know I'm not in a position to be doing it!)


One of my favorite things on earth is buying new makeup. The first day I get to wake up, shower, and put new makeup on my face is pretty much my adult-version of Christmas. (Maybe I'm easily amused?) Since there was no money for a new wardrobe (which is badly needed, btw), I went ahead and splurged on eyeslipsface.com. Last week they had an awesome sale (50% off Studio!) and I convinced Husband it was worth indulging in.

My current setup

My dad stopped by today and commented, "You look more cheerful today."
Well, this is why. A few of my favorite things came in the mail a couple days ago, and I got a chance to use them today. :)

(Disclaimer: I might sound like an eyes.lips.face commercial, but I promise they aren't paying me... I just love makeup, and they happen to have a lot of good quality products for really good prices!) Ready to hear about my favorite things??

#1:  e.l.f. Mineral Face Primer ($6)

No, I'm not joking. I used to think primer was a ridiculous ploy for the cosmetic companies to get more money. How unnecessary, to wear makeup under your makeup!

I

WAS

WRONG. 

Face primer has seriously changed the look and texture of my face. (Note: pictures included in this post are primer-less. If I'm in a rush, I skip the primer to save time.) 



#2: Neutrogena 3-in-1 Concealer for Eyes ($5)

I live with acne and have since I graduated fifth grade. I imagine it will be my companion until I die, as I am 26 and it still hasn't left me alone. So my favorite item in my makeup bag is concealer. It's absolutely essential for oily skin like mine, and picking the right kind and color is pivotal. You want it to be one or two shades lighter than your foundation. Some people say to use cover-up after foundation so you're only using it where your blemishes show through your foundation. I reject this philosophy because it always seems to be impossible to blend completely. I start under my eyes, because I always have dark circles. (I have three children, after all, so I'm not getting a whole lot of sleep.) This concealer is my favorite because:

a) It never makes me break out, which is what I seem to have happen with every other concealer I've tried, completely defeating the purpose,
b) It actually covers my dark circles,
c) I can use it all over my face and end up with the right color - I don't have to stick to the eye area & buy a separate concealer for the rest of my face.

(Sidenote: I have to admit, I absolutely adore Mary Kay concealer in Light Ivory, but it makes my face break out like crazy. If your skin tolerates the Mary Kay formula, I HIGHLY recommend it. It's the best coverage I have found and a tiny tube lasts me a year.)



#3: e.l.f. Eyebrow Kit (dark)

I have light hair and dark eyebrows, and I spent a lot of time trying to fix that problem. Eventually I got so many compliments on my contrasting pasty-white face/black Audrey Hepburn eyebrows, I have accepted and learned to love them.

However, my natural eyebrows come in a shape like Laurdes Leon (you know, Madonna's kid, pictured to the right). I spent years plucking to acquire the shape I wanted, and do you know what happened? I'm going to say this very small, so maybe she won't see it: 

Exactly what my mother said would happen (and I quote, "If you keep plucking your eyebrows so small, you're going to end up with none!" To which I of course replied, "Don't be ridiculous, Mother, I have caterpillars for eyebrows. They're not goin' anywhere").

Anyway!  So my eyebrows are getting a bit thin. I'm definitely not Jerseylicious or anything, but they need a little bit of extra length, and I finally found the perfect product to do that. (Eyeliner/brow pencils are too defined and create a harsh line that looks fake.)


#4: e.l.f. Lip Liner & Blending Brush


I'll admit, this purchase was an add-on. You know, like the checkout stand stuff you buy while you're waiting for the cashier to ring everything up, that you really don't need? It turns out I love it. I have full lips, which sometimes are distracting, but I'm a huge fan of lip liner anyway. Call me a drama queen, but I love the dramatic contrast between red lips and white skin. (Picturing Snow White? Me too.) Anyway, this product is awesome because it has the perfect natural shade (twist-able pen tip), and the other side of the stick is a lip brush for blending. This is going to end up replacing my carry-everywhere, can't-live-without-it lipstick. (Which, by the way, is Maybelline lipstick in Ginger.)





#5:  My very favorite eyelash curler in the whole wide world is only $1.  (you guessed it... e.l.f.)


Throw your other eyelash curler away and splurge on a $1 e.l.f. eyelash curler. Not the $3 one, the $1 one. Yeah, it's that good.


Also, my favorite mascara. When Maybelline came out with Colossal Volume Express and Falsies Volume Express, they looked so cheesey, I was sure I wouldn't be trying them.

That is, until there was a really good sale... I bought both of these for $5 at Rite Aid, and I've LOVED them. Definitely makes my top 10 products list.





#6: My new e.l.f. Endless Eyes Pro Eyeshadow Palette - Limited Edition ($10 sale, $20 reg.)

I've only had a chance to experiment with a couple of colors so far, but

I
LOVE
THIS!!!

Doesn't it just make you want to get all dressed up and pretty??

#7: Moroccan Oil ($50-60)

What did that just say?? $60? Is she crazy?!

Yes, I'll be honest with you... I'm one of those girls who thinks Pantene ProV is, like, top of the line. So when Husband gave me a Moroccan Oil gift set for Christmas, I was kind of a brat. I thought it was a frivolous thing to spend so much money on.

But I have seen the light. And it is a beautiful light.

He gave me Moroccan Oil shampoo & conditioner, styling cream, and oil. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting. The next morning I washed my hair with the new shampoo and conditioner, thinking how quickly it would be gone, and I added the oil and styling cream after my shower. As I dried my hair that day, I started kicking myself for being such a brat. This was the BEST shampoo, conditioner, and hair product I had EVER used.

The next morning I woke up, went to wash my hair (as I always do, because my hair is extra-oily and has always required washing every single day), and I found that it looked exactly like it had the day before. It didn't even come close to getting oily. I hardly even knew what to do with myself, I had so much extra time on my hands!

And the compliments... Oh, the compliments. I haven't had so many people comment on my beautiful hair since high school (when teenage hormones made it gorgeous all on its own). Remember how I was sure it was a short-term gift? Not even close. Two months later, I haven't even finished the little bottles of shampoo and conditioner (because I have to wash my hair half as often, and because it requires WAY less than regular shampoo), and the oil is probably going to last me the next 6 months or more.

He spent about $60, and it makes me happy every single day. Seriously good investment.

I got all of this on sale, so (excluding the Moroccan Oil), I got a complete makeover for $25? 


Yep, that's definitely my favorite thing. 

Well, besides these guys...

Rock bottom? Not quite... but close.

So here's the thing...

I'm having a bad week.

Not the kind where you stubbed your toe and accidentally went to the wrong side of the gas pump... no, more like the kind where you hide in the nearest hole and wish for death to find you there.

Yeah, if you must know... I'm exaggerating a tiny bit, I guess.
But mostly I mean it. I want to stay under the covers in my bed until I become part of the threads that make up the sheets.

I want to give up on ever getting out from under the choices we've made, the circumstances that have fallen on us, and the insurmountable mountain we still have to climb.
I want to say, "oh, what the hell. Why not live with my parents until I'm 30?" 

But we all know I'm not going to do that. So I might as well get up and quit my whining, right? After all, it could be worse.

Much worse.

It sure feels like the universe is out to get us lately, though. And I'm getting kind of sick of that feeling.

Discrimination. [Are you serious?!]

I grew up in a fairly small city, 98% of the population fitting in the "Caucasian" category on their government forms. (ok, maybe even more.)  My maiden name is pretty much on the same level as "Smith" or "Jones" as far as originality, and as you know I am the whitest-white-girl there ever was.

The whole point of this awkward story is that I am completely foreign to discrimination...

Unless you count the fact that people treat me like a 12-year-old because I still don't look like I've graduated middle school.

...or the fact that I had a baby in high school, so people regard the fact that I have 3 kids as completely insane (especially if they fit in the category above: people who think I'm still 12).
`Apparently I was 4 when I had Joshua.

(There's also the fact that I'm not an active Mormon in a largely-LDS population, but this is a different issue.)

Anyway, as you know we are currently searching for employment and apartments.
Two days ago, I called another phone number I found on another sign, in front of another duplex.

The man answered, and I had another conversation identical to all the others:

"Hi, I was driving by and saw a 'for rent' sign. I was hoping you could tell me a little bit about it," I started.

Landlord Man said, "Sure, it's a 3-bedroom," and he continued with the details from there. 

When he finished, I said, "That sounds great; is there a time I could come see it?"

Landlord Man stopped and said, "What was your last name again?" 
(I hadn't told him.)

"Ortega," I said, kind of confused.

"Ok. Thanks for calling." 
-CLICK-

I sat there for several seconds, staring at my phone, which read CALL ENDED.
Did that guy seriously just hang up on me because of my NAME?
Yeah, he seriously did.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about the feeling I got when that happened to me.
I wound up realizing that the more shocking thing than his despicable behavior was that I had never felt that rejection before. I've been rejected from lots of things... but never for the name I carried, and especially not for what I look like.

How spoiled I've been.

Everyone "knows" from a logical standpoint what the state of discrimination/racism is like in this country. But people like me have absolutely no idea what it actually feels like. (I'm aware that I still don't - this is just one tiny situation.)

That very same morning, I stood in line at Work Force Services, waiting to speak to someone about my review paperwork. Two Mexican women stood at the desk next to me, only one of them speaking.

"She got sick on the job," the woman said, gesturing to the other woman. "When she took time off because she was sick, they fired her. She's a seamstress and can't find another job. No one will help us."

The woman at the desk (who looked strikingly like me) just stared at her, bewildered. "Hmm," she kept saying.

Those two women looked beaten down and hopeless, and they left the office without any additional help.

My parents never showed any prejudice toward any type of people. I can't even tell you how grateful I am that I am not one of those people who looks down on others because of their appearance, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc., etc., etc. America, to me, is still what it was supposed to be - land of the free, a melting pot of nationalities, the place where people (should be able to) go without fear and be successful.

Thanks, Mom and Dad. You couldn't help my skin color, but you certainly helped my tolerance and acceptance of all people.