awake

My sheets don't smell right.
It's too hot.
I can hear Joshua snoring. It doesn't sound like Steve snoring.
The window is open and I can hear the cars driving by.
This bed is so small. And every time I reach out, there's no one there to cuddle up to.
This isn't my blanket. Well, our blanket.
Why can't I get comfortable?

Oh, that's right. Because this isn't my bed and this isn't my home.
That's right, this is my reality now. I forgot there for a second.

Getting on with it

We've done this before, you know. We were married five years when Husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I was six months pregnant with Max when he moved out, and an absolute emotional, hormonal WRECK.

It was ugly. We were both angry. I was heartbroken and terrified, completely broke and too sick to work. He was a mess too, and our interactions were nothing short of nasty. Mean, resentful, and hateful. That's what separation was for us. Then something happened. Steve almost died and I sat by his hospital bed as his wife, explaining his medical history to the ER doctor. It changed everything. We needed to be together, to give it another shot. Because life is short and almost losing him from this life was just too much to handle. Both of us had already begun to move on, so our reconciliation was painful, something I would rather die than relive. We were separated for eight months.

Just after we got back together, I read a blog post by a woman who had gone through the same thing. She and her husband had separated, but then got back together for a year... and now they were getting a divorce. I remember thinking (maybe even commenting) that I would die if that happened to me. I begged the forces of the Universe not to let me waste another year on a marriage that would fail in the end anyway.

Steve and I were back together for two years. We've been married seven years now, together for nine and a half... excluding that period we just discussed. It has been difficult almost the ENTIRE time, and now it may seem as if we "wasted" two more years on a hopeless cause.

But here's the thing.. we have gone to the ends of the earth for a solution. We have tried everything there is to try. We have loved and lost and hurt and laughed together and have come to the same conclusion: it's just never going to work. He and I are never going to be what we want to be. We can love each other with all the intensity in the world and still never work together. But this time, it's different. It isn't ugly. It's sad because it's the end of an era. It's sad because we are walking away from the person we've loved since we were teenagers, but we BOTH know it this time. It isn't one-sided, and we both agree that we've run out of road to travel.

What has resulted is a peaceful, considerate interaction between us. We can legitimately care about what's best for the other, even though that means we have to live without each other. It's heart breaking in a completely different way. This time I don't feel like I'm drowning. This time I'm going to be OK.

It hurts now. It's hard to distract myself. But it's alright and I'm going to survive.

I'll need a bit more time to mourn, but overall, it's time to get on with it. 

Guest Posting at PPD to Joy

Yael Saar of PPDtoJoy.com survived postpartum depression twice and became a mama on a mission to remove guilt, shame, and blame from parenting. I was first introduced to Yael when I saw her You Tube video that changed my life. Her facebook group Mama's Comfort Camp has over 150 mamas from all over the world supporting each other with self-care and self-kindness. You can ask to join the group here: https://www.facebook.com/mamas.comfort.camp
She will soon be teaching her (Not)Secret (Not)Weapon online class about disarming anxiety and anger with practical bodymind methods. How cool is that? Check it out at http://www.ppdtojoy.com/not-secret-not-weapon/

Today I get to be a guest blogger on PPDtoJoy.com. You would NOT believe how psyched I am for this opportunity! Go, read, leave some love. (Maybe if you leave lots of comments she'll even let me come back and guest post again. Just kidding, she's the sweetest, she would let me do that anyway!)  Read my post here. 

Apartment

My work schedule and Steve's work schedule are complicated, and we only own one working car. As a result, I ended up staying at the apartment today while Steve was at work in order to watch the boys (and so he can watch them when I go to work later today). I'm here in the apartment that has been my home, and it's a mess. But I can't bring myself to clean it or pack up more stuff. Not because I think there's any reversing this decision... just because it's my last day to sit here in my pajamas and do what I always do in the place I always do it. Steve is at work, so there's no fighting, no awkwardness... just my home and an underlying guilt that I'm not cleaning it. Same as always.

Instead of doing what I should be doing here today, I'll be over at yeah write reading 50 amazing blog posts (or as close to that as I can manage in two hours) and voting for five of them. You're welcome to join me, and while you're there cast your votes as well!

Thank you all so much for your support. I got so many loving comments pouring in on that last post that it wasn't even logical to respond to them individually. You are the best friends and virtual-friends in the world. xoxo

Split into pieces

Today I packed up three boxes of clothes and shampoo and toothbrushes and moved back to my mom's house. 

Today I cried into my husband's shoulder because it's over. 

Today I left almost all of my belongings in the apartment that is no longer my home. 

Today my mom made me french toast for dinner. I cried because I don't get to leave my dishes out after I eat anymore. 

Today I said goodbye to my husband with the knowledge that from now on our interactions will be based in divorce arrangements. 

Today I said goodbye to the super-sweet neighbor next door who was completely blind-sided by my announcement that I was moving out. 

Today we had to tell our children that we are a better family if we don't live in close enough quarters to fight all the time. 

Today my heart broke. Again.

But not like last time. 

"Guess what," Asher announced to my mother as we pulled into her driveway. "My mom is moving out of my house and she's going to live here at your house. We're just splitting apart." 

Today my life changed in too many ways and there are not enough tears to cry. 

Why you should learn from my mistakes!

Disclaimer: I am writing this post while under the influence of Lortab. I cannot be held responsible for any mistakes I might make while typing this post.

I've known my teeth needed work for years now. No dental insurance plus paycheck-to-paycheck living equals no money for the dentist. About two months ago I broke down and paid a dentist $75 for a consultation (due to a major toothache). His assistant took x-rays, I sat in the chair for about thirty minutes, dentist walked in for about five minutes and made some snide remarks about how much work my teeth were going to need. He had the typical dentist attitude, which made me feel like absolute garbage, and basically summed it all up with, "You can't afford me. Call around to some charity clinics. That'll be seventy-five dollars on your way out." I left with a prescription for Ibuprofen 800, antibiotics, and a printout detailing my estimate: $6,000 to fix my mouth, and it'll take six months of dental appointments to get it done. Oh yeah, and a yellow post-it note with the phone number for a sliding-scale dental clinic I can call.

That $75 appointment set me back so much that the heat in our apartment was turned off. There was just simply no way I could get these problems fixed, so I went back to life as usual, adding ibuprofen & antibiotic to my daily med regimen and hoping for the best.

When I ran out of Ibuprofen 800's, my toothache came back. I whined and complained, but there was nothing I could do about it, so I doubled up on regular Ibuprofen and started alternating with Tylenol for maximum pain relief. It didn't work. Several nights I was awake with a severe toothache and when I wasn't at work I spent the time trying to sleep off the pain. After about a week of this I was unable to chew my food because it hurt too much, so I started drinking Carnation instant breakfast for every meal instead.

I make minimum wage, there are bills to be paid, and I have three children. $6,000 is not just difficult, it's UNREACHABLE. Husband and I don't have credit cards; we don't believe in charging things we can't afford. When there's barely enough money to pay rent as it is, adding a credit card bill on top of it just doesn't make any sense. My teeth have taken a back seat for literally almost ten years now.

Bad teeth are hereditary, but pregnancy also takes a major toll. Three pregnancies and my teeth are pretty much just skeletons at this point.

Monday at work, my toothache came back with a vengeance. It was not just saying, "So, um, I could use some assistance," it was screaming, "YOU WILL GO TO THE DENTIST WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"

We have Medicaid, which covers medical but not dental, so I finally decided to go to InstaCare Monday after work. I figured they could get me some pain meds and antibiotics while I figured out what to do about the dentist. The trouble with (most) doctors is that they don't seem to understand (care?) being poor. I tell the InstaCare doc that I simply canNOT afford to fix my teeth, but I think I've got an infection now because of it, and I'm in too much pain to sleep or eat or take care of my kids. I tell her I've been taking 800 mg of Ibuprofen, alternating with Tylenol, but it's still not working. She hammers on my tooth with a tongue depressor, I flinch and shrink back. She says, "Oh, yeah... that looks bad..."  Her solution? Ibuprofen 800, antibiotics, and the phone number for an emergency dentist. I tell her I can't afford an emergency dentist, and she says, "It won't cost more than a hundred dollars," with this look on her face like, don't be dramatic.  A hundred dollars is FOURTEEN HOURS of work for me. A hundred dollars is 1/6 my rent. A hundred dollars IS DRAMATIC in my world. And Ibuprofen 800 is useless to me.

Tuesday morning I woke up in agony. One side of my face was swollen like a watermelon, one of the nerves in my face had gone dead (I still can't feel my chin or bottom lip at all), and I couldn't even speak. Joshua called my mom and asked her to come help me (he takes GREAT care of me when I'm sick!) and my mom came to my rescue. She came straight to my house, called around, made me an appointment, took my kids to my sister's house, drove me to the dentist for an emergency extraction. The paycheck I was saving to pay rent had to be cashed to pay the dentist, but there was no other choice. At this point I was losing control and was going to have an infection spreading throughout my body if I didn't deal with it NOW.

The dentist actually ended up extracting two molars, not just one. The offending tooth and the wisdom tooth next to it had to go. The only remaining molar on that side of my mouth is hardly a tooth at all... it's about one-fourth of the molar that used to be there. It needs a post and a cap in order to be saved. I'm 1/4-tooth away from being completely toothless on the right, bottom side of my mouth.

So! Why do I tell you all this embarrassing information? So you, your children, your neighbor, your sister, and everyone else you know can learn from my mistakes!

Mistake #1: 9th grade.

The dentist says, "She has four wisdom teeth. They all need to come out."
My mom says, "OK, let's get your wisdom teeth out."
What did I say? "NOOOOOOOOOO! I don't want to! Wahhhhh!"

Guess what happened? I spent four years in braces, just to waste all my mom's money (and four years of pain) just to have my wisdom teeth crowd my mouth and ruin my new, perfectly-straight teeth. I just paid $100 to have one of them removed... still have three more to go, have to pay for them myself, and I'll have to get braces all over again when I'm forty.
What the HELL was I thinking not getting them out when my mom could pay for it AND take care of me while I recovered?!?!

Mistake #2: Prenatal vitamins. I admit it, OK? I didn't take prenatal vitamins. Pregnancy included near-constant vomiting and nausea for me, so taking a giant vitamin that I was just going to throw up anyway didn't agree with me. My babies didn't really suffer from this mistake of mine, but that's because they stole all the nutrients from MY body to feed THEIRS. This is how pregnancy works, and I am now, at age twenty-seven, losing my teeth because of it. TAKE YOUR PRENATAL VITAMINS. Seriously. I don't care what you have to do, TAKE THEM take them take them. Are we clear? Your teeth NEED THEM because your baby is stealing from you. Got it? K good.

Mistake #3: Gold tooth. When I was growing up my mom paid a lot of money to get me white fillings when I had a cavity. Then, 2007, still no dental insurance, and we live in Kansas. A crown from years before fell off my molar & I went to see a dentist. He said, "I can put a gold tooth in there for ya," and I said, "What, are you kidding me?! I'm not going to have a GOLD TOOTH! Just because ya'll want to look like hillbillies doesn't mean I do too. I'll wait 'till I get back to Utah." I never did get a new crown on that tooth. That's the only remaining molar on that side of my mouth, and it's been worn down to practically nothing because I was too cool for a gold crown in my mouth. If I could go back I would happily accept a gold crown to save the only tooth I'll have left to chew my food.

GO TO THE DENTIST. Go into debt for it. Get a Xanax if you're afraid of the needles or the drill. DO WHAT IT TAKES to take care of your teeth, cause guess what? Eventually you will have to pay for it anyway, and waiting until you're in agony won't stop it from happening.

Also? Once they're gone they are GONE.

My children,

This Mother's Day I'm making you a promise. To never turn into THAT mom.

The mom who cares more about her looks than you. The mom who is perfectly-groomed from her bleached-blonde head to her glittered, high-heeled toes but can't manage to speak a word of respect to her teen-aged child.

The mom who embarrasses not you, but herself, by trying to embarrass you in public.

I didn't even realize that mom was so common, but now I know. I see them every day at work, these women who spend so much time on their cell phones and their appearance that they've lost that connection with their kids. Now I know how many of them are out there, and I promise you it will not be that way. I will care about me, because I am important and by caring about me I am a better mother to you, but you will not be crucified so that I can feel good about myself.

You will always be number one.

All three of you.

Love,

Mama

What to buy at the discount store - and what not to

Have you figured out that I work at a discount store yet? Yeah, I thought so. I've kind of beat that point into the ground. One day my dad said, "You blogged about shopping again?" and it hit me that I've blogged about it too much. BUT, I also got a ton of valuable feedback on Let's Talk About Shopping. People seemed to find it helpful.

So here I am, blogging again about shopping.

I want to talk about what you should and shouldn't get from your local discount store. Wal-Mart is good because you can get everything in one place... but only some things are cheap there. (I personally choose not to go to Wal-Mart if I can help it.) Depending on where you live, you probably have one of these (or similar) stores near you:

When we lived in Kansas we didn't have anything like this... the closest we could get was Target in Manhattan (KS, not NY), which was about a thirty-five minute drive from our home. So I'm fully aware this is not available to everyone. But if you have your choice of stores, like we do here in Utah, you might not know exactly what you can/should get there.

What to Buy Discount: 


1. Tanks, shapewear, underwear, socks. These are things that don't require an awesome brand name because they go under your clothes, and you generally need several of them, especially with layering being so popular. Shapewear especially can be extremely expensive at other stores, but one of the cheapest things where I work. (I tried to buy a tummy shaper at Target once and found it was $40. Same thing at my store, approx. $8.)

2. Headphones, gaming controllers, etc. If you're extremely picky about your electronics, like my husband, this won't work for you. But if you're just looking for a pair of ear buds to run with, discount is the way to go. Same brands as other stores, but cheaper.

3. A new style you're just trying out. If you're like me, you see something on someone else or on Pinterest and think, "That's adorable!" but don't want to spend a fortune seeing if it will work for your body/skin tone. That's where discount store comes in. You can find current styles for half the price as department/mall stores, try them out, and if they don't turn out to be as awesome as you thought, you haven't wasted a lot of money on it.

4. Gifts. I can't even tell you how much money this will save you. Your kid has a lot of friends? Everyone is having a baby in the same month? Friend re-modeled their house and wants you to come to their housewarming party? Six weddings in June? This is where discount stores are really awesome. Throw together a cute little basket + kitchen/bath supplies or a super-cheap toy for a birthday party, pick up the gift bag while you're at it, and you're good to go. (Just don't forget about the price tag... they can be difficult to remove on the run and can sometimes be right on the face of the thing you're buying, like picture frames. You might need rubbing alcohol or vinegar to remove.) You COULD run to Wal-Mart and fight the zombie-apocalypse parking lot/lines, or you could just grab some at the discount store and pay half as much.

5. Toys. Holidays you don't really want to spend a lot of money on (filling an Easter basket, Valentine's Day, etc.) call for discount toys. They aren't as cheap/breakable as dollar store toys, but they aren't as expensive as Target or Toys-R-Us, either.

6. Movies. You have to look often to find something good, but about once a week there's a killer movie for  cheap. This week at work I bought Inception for $3.99. Score.

7. That designer purse you've wanted. Or something close to it. I'm not the type to spend a bunch of money on a purse. In fact, I'm not the type to spend any money on a purse. But if I was, it would be a seriously awesome deal to buy them at my work.

8. Kids' clothes. I know, I know, Gymboree has such adorable little outfits! You'll only have to spend $50 for one! That's great for special occasions, but the rest of the time your kids are just running, jumping, skipping, playing and generally ruining their clothing. Or they're growing like a weed and won't wear that outfit for more than two weeks. In these cases, you can get your kid an entire new outfit including shoes for $20. So worth it, and if there are holes in those $6 jeans next week? You won't be crying about it.

9. Comforter, pillow cases & sheets. MUCH cheaper than even Wal-Mart, and if you're lucky you'll catch it on Clearance.

TIPS & TRICKS:

1. SHOP OFF-SEASON. This can be difficult, but seriously worth it. You may be thinking, "But we need summer clothes NOW!" and I get it. Sometimes there is only enough money for this season's necessities. But if you're in a position to pick up a few things you won't need till Fall or Winter, NOW'S THE TIME. Buy next year's swimsuit in September for $1.99 and use it to look forward to. (Work so you can fit into it next season, knowing you've got a new suit that's never been worn!) The fact is, two days after the first snow of the season ALL the shorts are $2.99; snow hats and gloves are 99 cents the first day of Spring. (My boss buys hats/gloves in bulk in the spring and donates them to the local women's shelter. That's when it's affordable to donate to charity!)

2. Discount stores have one goal: Get the product out the door FAST. This means there's clearance OFTEN. Once a week I go in for six or seven hours and mark down half the store. HALF the store, I'm telling you! Ask an employee which day is Markdown day and shop the day after. You wouldn't believe how many things I've bought for practically nothing because I have access to the discount product before anyone else. I bought Asher a pair of jeans for 49 CENTS on Monday. Yeah.

What NOT to Expect from Your Discount Store: 

1. Perfect organization. We try really, really hard to keep our store beautiful and easy to shop. But the fact is, you have to hunt for your bargains at a store like this. It takes some rummaging sometimes, and that's the glory of it. If you absolutely must have everything perfectly displayed on a mannequin, you may want to shop elsewhere (and you're going to pay for that, too).

2. Six cashiers just waiting to serve you. Discount stores save money by multi-tasking employees. The fewer employees on the floor, the cheaper they can run the store, the cheaper the merchandise can be. I've heard a lot of people complain that the cash registers aren't all manned and ready, but if we did that it would be impossible to keep merchandise prices low. Your discount comes from somewhere; it's not magic.

3. Get it when you see it! Our shipments are entirely random. They come in five days/week, so there's always something new, but sometimes we only get ONE of each thing. If you see it and love it, BUY IT WHEN YOU SEE IT. It won't be there next time you come in. Complaining that you can't find the shirt you saw last week just doesn't phase us; that's how it works. There's also no back-stock. Remember the goal is to get everything out the door quickly, so there aren't shelves full of multiples that we're hiding in the back room. It doesn't exist. What you see is what there is.

4. Clean-up crew. Employees are paid at or barely above minimum wage. Let's be reasonable, they simply aren't paid enough to pick up after you.

5. Security measures. I'm constantly hearing women in the fitting room complaining about the fact that we have a security-tag on almost everything. When everything is selling so cheap, every item counts. A LOT. We're not just going to let it fly out the door. Security tags are a small price to pay for cheap clothing. Also, we monitor closely everything that goes in/out of the fitting rooms/rest rooms. This prevents theft. A woman asked my co-worker when he insisted she only bring eight items in the fitting room at a time, "Well who is going to bring me the rest when I'm ready to try them on?" Nobody, lady. That's who. If you're looking for delivery service to your fitting room door, go pay the guy who makes commission at Buckle. Just sayin'.

6. Not sure if we have something you're looking for? We aren't either! Don't expect us to know exactly what merchandise we have at any given moment. It's just not possible to know for sure, and no two stores are exactly the same, even within the same company.

7. An old man brought me a ratty old pair of slippers once, complaining, "I bought these slippers here five years ago! Why are they falling apart? They are DOCKERS! That's a good brand!" He demanded a new pair for free. There's absolutely, positively no way we are replacing your five-year-old slippers, and the idea that we would still have that particular shoe, five years later? Ridiculous.

8. There was actually a man who "offered" my manager $12 for a $14 shirt. "I'll give you $12," he said. Haggling? No. Discount yes, swap meet no.

Hope this helps somebody! Good luck hunting! 

This is not the post I was going to write tonight.

Tonight I witnessed an exchange between a young couple (husband and wife) which was probably extremely ordinary.

I was going to come home and talk about the ass hole customer I dealt with tonight, but this put me on a different track.

Near the end of the night a girl I haven't seen in years approached the fitting room. I said hi, asked her how many items she had, just like anyone else. I wasn't sure if she'd remember me or want to say hi, and I'm the type to avoid an awkward exchange of "how've you been"s if I can help it. She read my name tag and said, "I thought I recognized you! Aubrey, how have you been?" She's always been an incredibly sweet person and her having remembered me felt better than I'd expected. We grew up together in the same church just down the road from where I work now.

Anyway, after she'd tried on her items (4 skirts), she walked over to where her husband was waiting for her and said, "I really like these two. Which of these would you be able to match better with the things you already have? Probably this one, huh? It's twenty-two dollars, is that OK?" Husband nods and says something non-descript, but he's holding some sort of electronic he wants to buy.

She gets a sympathetic look on her face and says, "This is going to sound really selfish, but if I'm going to spend twenty dollars on this, we probably shouldn't also get that." I can only see the back of his head, but he looks defeated. She says, in her super-sweet way she's always had, "If you really want it, I can put this skirt back." She really loves the skirt. She was excited about the skirt. Moments later she put the skirt back and her husband bought the thing he wanted. I could hear them talking and laughing on their way out of the store.

Totally average exchange, probably. I wouldn't know. Husband and I fight over everything, but especially money (I'm a spender, he's a saver). Going to the store together generally goes more like this:

Husband: Now, we don't have a lot of money, so let's not buy anything, OK?
Me: Oh, whatever. I'll buy something if I want to, you can't stop me.
Husband (rolling eyes and sighing heavily): Oh, honey.
Me: Oooh! Honey, look at this! I love this!! I simply must have this.
Husband: How much is it?
Me (rounding down to a more agreeable number): Only seven dollars!
Husband: We don't have any money...

He's squirming in his own skin. I can see it, and his anxiety bugs me. I've begun calling him Money Nazi, although I'm very aware he's actually just trying to keep us above drowning.

Me: I'm going to try it on! *skipping away to try it on, fall in love with it, then buy it*

Husband won't tell me "NO YOU WILL NOT BUY THAT" but I know when that's what he wishes he could say. I can see it, I can feel it, and my inner teenager kicks in with a great big "I WILL IF I WANT TO AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME". It's not pretty.

The point is, this exchange I witnessed tonight between that other husband and wife reminded me of a time when Husband and I used to take each other's feelings into consideration. Before we started piling on resentment each time the other one didn't let us have what we wanted. Underneath all the layers of whatever grudges we've acquired is a couple who used to be capable of selflessly saying, "If you really want that, I'll put this back," and meaning it. No pouting involved.

Is that what love is? The ability to put someone else before yourself, consistently and without animosity?

That's not a rhetorical question. I really want to know what you think.

Roulette

I desperately want to work in the stock room at work. I'm just plain sick of the fitting room gig. After ten months, it's just getting old. I wouldn't mind working FR once a week or so, but I want to try something new. If I could take the truck, I could work 6am-Noon and only have to leave my kids with someone in the mornings. I HATE working the evening shift and coming home after my kids are already in bed. Getting kids off to daycare by 6am? Difficult. But being home by Noon would make it worth it, I think. Since it's summertime, I'll need to find someone who can watch all three of them, but no one would have to worry about taking them to school. It's the closest I could get to being a SaHM, which I think my kids really need right now. Unfortunately I don't know anyone who isn't already overwhelmed with their own kids.

The point is I'm searching. And the search scares me to death. 

How do you know you're not hiring a freak? What if the person is fine, but her husband turns out to be a creep? What if I hire someone totally reliable and sweet, but I worry constantly anyway because there's just no way to really know? What if I don't find someone at all and I'm stuck in the FR forever? What if I find someone but can't afford to pay them? 

Being a SaHM had its challenges, but this... this is a whole new ball game and it's so scary. 

Can we try a new theme now?

Now, I'm not one of those people who is like, "Don't put a gay character on Glee, the teenagers might catch the gay!" I don't spend my time worrying about what the teenagers are watching on TV. That said, I do worry about a certain theme that seems to be taking over the adolescent/young-adult entertainment realm.

This is about to make me sound old. Try not to judge.

I don't believe that just because a teenage girl sees a pregnant teen, that she will instantly go out and become pregnant as well. I'm intelligent enough (and liberal enough) to realize it's not that simple. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say the way infidelity is portrayed as completely normal (even necessary) to young people could become a problem.

(This is just an example, of course. I'm not referring to just this one story line, but so many on TV and in literature these days.)

Last night I was watching The Vampire Diaries, which I admit, I love. But I'm getting tired of the theme: Elena Loves Stephan - or Wait, Does She Love Damon? - No, She Loves Stephan... Probably; Except When She Makes Out With Damon. This is a circle theme I'm sick to death of. Elena is a likable character, but in real life I'd just come right out and call her a whore.

I get it, OK? They're brothers, they both love her, and they're both unbelievably hot, strong, and dangerous. It would, in fact, be hard to choose between them. The trouble is they are so quick to forgive her; she's never actually had to go through any torment over the way she's treated these boys. They just come running back to her, "Elena, what can I do to save you?" no matter what hideously whore-ish thing she's done to them. The fact is, reality would have kicked her ass for being such a jerk. In reality, infidelity RUINS LIVES. The love triangle is exciting... which is why infidelity happens to real people in real relationships. The reason I worry about its affect on society is because it seems to be the only plot line available lately. When did a love story stop being good enough if there wasn't cheating involved?

Anyone who has actually experienced infidelity knows there is no such thing as a happy ending to such stories. 

Once upon a time

Once upon a time music ruled my soul. I allowed it to come in, sit down, stay a while, take over my veins... my limbs... my head, my hair...

...Bad Religion
Dropkick Murphys
The Clash
Rise Against
Rancid
A.F.I.
Against Me!
Tim Barry
Anberlin
Dustin Kensrue...

When music and I matched.
When music and I felt each other and accepted each as their own.
When I allowed something other than anger, stress, resentment, truth, that bitter taste in my mouth, take over.
When I let myself get swallowed up and forget what was really eating at me.

Tonight I let music back in my life, even if just for one night. And I won't feel a thing.

"I promise I'll be gone in the morning; I just need some place warm to stay the night." -Rise Against

Guest posting at Sperk*!

I can't tell you how grateful I am for the opportunity to be this week's guest at Kimberly Speranza's blog Sperk*! Being asked in the first place was ultra exciting, but seeing the piece I wrote about my idol Audrey Hepburn up on her site is just the best thing ever! Go! Read! When you're done reading my guest post, keep digging... Kimberly's blog is amazing.

Long live the Audrey legacy.

Does anyone else feel bad for Jessica Simpson right now?

I admit, the last thing on earth I care about is celebrity news. The fact that I know Jessica Simpson just had a baby says more about the media than it does about me, I promise.

But still. 

I can't help but feel bad for J.Simps. She's been incredibly open about her pregnancy, making statements that made even Jimmy Kimmel blush, but obviously she felt some pressure about her appearance, or I don't think she would have posed for this (pregnant) nude cover of Elle. (Which, obviously, is a much-airbrushed version of her body.)

I know how much pressure there was on me to get back in shape after I had my babies, and that was just simply pressure I put on myself... Can you even imagine hanging out in circles where you're competing with Beyonce's post-baby body? 

It's not news that those first few post-baby weeks are beyond difficult. The idea that you should be concerned about the appearance of your body while you're desperately trying to learn how to feed, clothe, change, vaccinate, and soothe your new little human is just laughable. I don't know about you, but for me just taking a shower every two days was a feat worthy of praise. If you're one of those incredible mothers who manage to go back to work looking like a human and taking your kid to daycare and everything, makeup on your face every morning, you deserve an award.

The media would have us believe you're doing something wrong if your body doesn't immediately look like a Victoria's Secret model (no, seriously, here's one for real) in your baby's first three months. The truth is your body holds on to that weight FOR A REASON! That reason is your baby! 

Maybe you're not breastfeeding. Maybe your baby isn't getting nutrients/fat from those extra pounds you gained. Well, more power to ya, I guess... but doing what it takes to lose 40 lbs in 3 months is not going to help you get through the long, sleepless nights of bouncing a baby on your hip for five and-a-half hours. When you are giving new motherhood your all, you need all the energy you can get. 

In addition to the struggle with your baby, maybe you already have older kids who still need you all the time. Perhaps you have a husband and he's ready to have sex again? All sorts of friends and loved ones want to visit the baby and all you want is to take a nap for the 15 free minutes you have post-feed. The last thing you need is to worry about what you look like in front of all these people. THE PRESSURE IS HIGH ENOUGH without the media latching on and posting pictures and commentary!

The truth about your post-baby body? Well, quite honestly, it looks more like this. (<--This is a good article about the reality of your body after delivering a baby, but it does contain a picture of a mostly-n-a-k-e-d pregnant woman. Fair warning.) 

Just before I delivered Joshua I caught a glimpse of my friend's mommy-tummy. It looked like this, only the stretch marks were brand new, so they were bright pink: 

I was absolutely horrified. If that's what I was going to look like after this pregnancy thing was over, I'd rather just die. Little did I know, MOST mothers are hiding this under their clothing. AND THAT'S OK. 

Picture credit

As the new generation of mothers, we are trying so hard to fight the stigma of Post-Partum Depression and the expectation that we should be able to do absolutely everything while maintaining a pretty smile. 

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Perhaps if we didn't glorify those women who can pay a nanny to care for their children while they spend every minute in the gym, eating nothing but carrot sticks so they can walk down the red carpet/runway and not be criticized, the rest of us could stop feeling like failures for having a real woman's body. 

Perspective

Maybe it's not so bad to believe in something bigger, something that connects us all. Maybe it's exactly what I need to step outside this box and be something stronger.