I am getting better. I'm trying so hard, accomplished more in the last month than I have all year. So why is everything going wrong? I'm doing it all right. I'm working as hard as I can, I'm making the appointments and getting the kids the health/dental care they need... I even got a therapist.
Have you ever been to a therapist? Because it's great to vent and get a little bit of feedback, but the first appointment is ultra uncomfortable.
"Tell me a little bit about yourself," she says.
Silence. Where do you begin telling someone who you are? Especially when you don't know.
"Um... I'm twenty-eight years old, I'm getting divorced, I have three kids."
Silence. Apparently she wants more. So I add, "I don't really know what to say."
"What brings you here?"
Silence. Why am I here again? Suddenly it doesn't seem like enough to say "I'm getting divorced," but that's why I'm here. "I need to figure out how to be alone."
Silence. Is she ever going to say anything?
She's nice enough. She didn't say much, and what she said was so quiet I could barely hear her. The room was dark, she keeps the lights off. Only one little lamp in the corner and some seashells on the bookshelf. I guess this is her attempt at calming. Really I just want her to turn the light on so I can see her.
Overall I liked her and made another appointment for next week. I believe in therapy, but I'm pretty sure their strategy is to make enough uncomfortable silence that I will spill it all just to fill the space. And I will, because that's exactly what I do when silence surrounds me. I am not comfortable with silence. I know the point is to let me work out the answers for myself, but sometimes I just wish they would say, "Ok, now do this. Next, do this. Then you will be ok." I know they can't, but it's maddening sometimes when I just need someone to tell me what to do.
She asked me about my biggest source of stress. "MONEY" was all I could think of at that moment. Stupid, stupid money. Isn't that what it comes down to? So many things trouble me, but when it comes right down to it, I just worry about how I'll ever make enough money to take care of my family.
Life hasn't gone the way I thought it would, but I thought whatever happens, I'll make it work. I'll find a way.
I don't make enough money to get my car fixed, inspected, insured, and registered. But without the car I can't get a job that makes more money. It's a bitch of a cycle. I simply cannot make enough money to make things add up and there's not a thing I can do about it. Just work more hours for minimum wage and wait for a miracle, I guess.
And beg for a ride to my therapy appointment each week.